Dear Mom & Dad,
There’s something I have to tell you. I don’t think you’re going to like it. You may even cry but I know you’d rather hear this from me. I wanted to keep this from you, to protect you, but I’ve been outed: I AM A COMMUNIST!
Glenn Beck, renowned voice of clear thinking, super patriot, and defender of the people, broke the story this week that churches who use the term SOCIAL JUSTICE do so as code for COMMUNISM which by my estimation means that Christians who use those words are communist. Well, color me PINKO.
I know, I was surprised too. I thought I was as American as ice cream sandwiches and goofy golf and you, mom. I played little league and swung for the fences. I sang “When the Roll is Called Up Yonder” in the church choir. I was in the scouts where I learned to tie square knots and assist old ladies across dangerous intersections.
Remember when we used to watch Andy Griffith reruns and the Atlanta Braves on TBS? Remember how much I liked shooting aluminum cans with bb guns, and how we used to play with firecrackers, and ride go-carts? Remember how I used to go exploring all in the fields behind our house and how whenever I got upset I ran away to my tree house?
I guess a communist would do all those things and probably in exactly the same way, except maybe for the Andy Griffith show but would a communist learn the art of the deal at the flea market? Would a communist scope out the best deals online before buying in store? I thought I was a capitalist except, well except, Mr. Beck is a very smart man. He is in the know. I talk about social justice a lot. I must be a communist.
Now, I don’t want you to feel bad about this but I think I know where you went wrong. I say this out of the hope that maybe it isn’t too late for Josh. Your big screw-up? You taught me to love people and to do what I could for them. You never preached to me that the government should pay everyone’s bills. We had our share of hard times but you always did what you were able to do for people.
I guess you are communists too. Glenn Beck wants to save America from people like us. I can’t blame him, America is a pretty awesome place but I don’t know that there is room for charity in a land of consumer gluttony. People like us are against everything THEY stand for. We are not united with THAT America.
We have to be stopped.
If you love Josh, teach him to only think of himself, to hoard stuff into every cubby of his over sized McMansion, to clear a half dozen plates for every trip to the buffet, to deny the reality of suffering in the world, to shirk his responsibility, to reimagine Jesus as some Holy rolling slot machine, and to stand by his baseless opinions.
It’s for his own good. If you fail to do this, you do so at his peril.
XOXOXO (SOCIAL JUSTICE 4 EVER),